I'm trying to use this journal again. The urge to write always comes along with spring for me, so hopefully something will come of that. I signed up for Script Frenzy to try to channel some of it, and am currently sitting around blankly trying to figure out how to bend this (mostly nonexistent) plot arc into 100ish pages. I've already roped the__seeker into agreeing to draw this damn graphic novel if I can write it. I don't think he knows what he's gotten himself into.

I went to FictionPress yesterday to read the old shit I wrote when I was sixteen. It was... enlightening. There's the "first chapter" of a never-continued story that I wrote six years ago almost to the day, and while it has some ideas I may try to salvage, it's mostly a cringeworthy, overly-adjectived mashup of Kanon and every Gainax thing ever, only with a female protagonist and even more gratuitous weirdness.

What really kind of tore my heart out were a series of haiku I wrote right around the same time. They were autobiographical, for the most part, and reading them feels kind of like looking at old snapshots of people you don't see (or want to see) anymore. You want to throw them away but can't really bring yourself to, because that would feel like turning your back on that part of your history.

From March 2004, I unload the Writer's Time Machine to bring you some of the better, if not always "traditional", ones. They have been edited only to rearrange punctuation and capitalization at my (inconsistent) whim.

( Psst. Over here.Collapse )

In the name of progress, my friends. Now, this script is not going to write itself.

...in the spirit of this blog post, or maybe FUCK YEAH CILANTRO.

Motherfucking Pumpkin Toffee Cheesecake

crust:
2 cups graham cracker crumbs (Use the cinnamon kind. Do it, fuckwit.)
3 tbsp brown sugar
6 tbsp melted butter (You should use unsalted if you're not a mouth-breather like me, but salted won't ruin it if you don't take the five seconds to examine the half-assed label like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING.)

filling:
3 8-ounce packages of cream cheese, well softened (This is important or you'll break your fucking wrist like a goddamn douchebag when you're creaming it with the sugar, and holy shit look at that glorious innuendo.)
1 cup brown sugar (I used light, you can use dark, shouldn't matter. ACCEPTANCE, Y'ALL.)
1 1/2 cups canned pumpkin (That shit is so orange you would not fucking believe.)
1/2 cup heavy cream (Enjoy your heart disease!)
1 tbsp vanilla extract
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
1/2 tsp ground allspice
4 eggs (Yes, seriously. Don't fucking question me. Get cracking.)
optional: 1/3 cup maple syrup (This was in the original recipe that I fucked around with generously, and didn't seem to contribute much other than making the whole damn thing ridiculously sweet and maybe ruining the fucking texture or something, I don't know.)

topping:
a metric fuckton of crushed Werther's Originals

instructions:
Grease/flour a 9-inch springform pan. Don't have one? Fucking get one or your cheesecake will basically get torn asunder when you try to serve it, no one will be impressed, and your chances of scoring some holiday gash/dickings/heartfelt platonic discussion will be greatly impeded. They should have cheap ones at the grocery store and everything, though they might actually be the weird-ass 9 3/4 inch kind and your cheesecake will therefore not be nearly as high as you are.

Preheat the oven to 325F.

Stir together the shit for the crust with a fork and press it all over the bottom of the pan and a bit up the sides like you're a little kid fingerpainting and just having a grand old time. But make sure your hands are clean, you fucking sicko; we all know where they've been.

Beat together the cream cheese and brown sugar. If you have an electric mixer, then for the love of Eris use that. Otherwise, get ready for carpal tunnel, kids! It has to be awesome and fluffy or else you have failed and should just go commit seppuku right now. When you're done with that, stir in the pumpkin, then all the other filling ingredients except for the eggs, including the maple syrup if you feel particularly spiteful towards your fucking dentist. But for fuck's sake, ADD THE EGGS LAST and then beat just until everything's smooth, you dumb shit. If you don't, everything is ruined forever and your cheesecake will look like the San Andreas Fault.

Speaking of cracks, some small ones are actually a good idea since the toffee goodness will permeate better that way. If you have a candy cane up your ass or your in-laws are holding you at gunpoint or something, though, you can bake the cheesecake in a water bath. Wrap the pan up in lots of foil so it doesn't all become a soggy pile of shit, then put it in a bigger pan and fill that with water partway up the sides of the cheesecake pan. Honestly, though, don't be a wuss, Martha. This will be delicious with or without cracks. You have enough to worry about during the holidays, like how to deal with motherfuckers who fly into a rage if you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," or how much alcohol it'll take to ensure that you can't even remember that the song "Santa Baby" exists.

Anyway, now you have the filling, so pour that into the becrusted pan and toss it all in the oven for an hour. While that's baking, you can take out your rage on those Werther's if you haven't already. Pop the desired quantity (which should be A FUCKING LOT) into a Ziploc so as to avoid making more of a mess than your sloppy ass already has, and go to town. The bottom of a heavy beer stein helps when crushing them. So would a rolling pin, if you're fancy like that. PCP might make the endeavor altogether too effective.

Go play video games or do last-minute present shopping or yell at the Salvation Army or something. When the oven buzzer goes off, turn off the heat and let the cheesecake sit in there for another half hour, then pull it out, sprinkle on the crushed candy, and let it cool some more. Be patient, you ocean-going douchebarge. Greatness takes time. (Of course, so does epic failure, but WE ARE WINNERS HERE, DAMNIT.)

Got your patience scraped together yet? Good. Put that shit in the fridge and chill it for at least 6 hours. Hope you planned ahead, asshat!

If you did budget your time appropriately and your guests haven't already left, you can serve this divine motherfucking dessert now. If you didn't and you're left all alone to eat it, well, maybe you are stupid like a fox.

Proceed to have multiple mouthgasms.

Send me money.

Repeat.

I had a rad weekend, all things considered. The wedding (or "not-a-wedding" as the brides dubbed it, but it was more of a wedding than many I can think of) was absolutely beautiful and original, with an amazing sense of community. I'd only met one person there and I still teared up a bit. I'm so bad with composure at weddings.

Of course, rushing there straight from work had me on edge, especially because my cabbie was a few slices short of a loaf, but I got there in good time, so no harm done.

After-the-wedding was also not bad. This may be an understatement.

Doing the walk of shame to work is hilarious! Not that anyone noticed.

I keep sleeping through my days off work, which irritates me to no end. I'd like to actually do something when I'm not working. I ended up not even going to karaoke tonight, partly because I'm somehow still sick, and partly because there have been thunderstorms and I like to snuggle up inside and properly admire them. I wish I had gone now, but oh well, we'll all have to imitate the guy who always tearfully sings "Purple Rain" and tears off his shirt next week.

The weather is making me feel quite happy. I always get really creative and inspired right around this time of year, so I hope I'll be able to make something of it, especially since this time last year I'd just gotten out of the hospital and was desperately trying to pick up the pieces. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, and other times it feels like a decade ago.

I think I am going to go eat strawberries and listen to more music now. I've also been looking through a "dictionary of symbolism" I stole borrowed from Rich, so maybe I'll flip through that and/or the Onion and/or the million other books I have lying around. I should be cleaning, but fuck that noise.

I leave you all with the best picture I've seen today.

Breaking news:

• 16:42 Oh, Chicago. When your weather's actually good, it's gorgeous. #
• 19:14 bit.ly/Rj0Ni Oh Sacramento no #
• 22:55 @januarygirl Lucky! I'm jealous you got to meet her. #

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Breaking news:

• 19:13 Did I just sleep for 17 hours straight? Yes, yes I did. #
• 19:31 #twitterpornnames (first pet+first teacher) Erica Johnson. That is about the most boring porn name I can think of. PEOPLE I AM UNAMUSED #
• 19:32 #twitterpornnames Yeah, I always thought it was 1st pet and 1st street. Of course, Erica Lillard isn't much better. #
• 19:51 I feel like Phineas Gage, i.e. as if I have a tamping iron driven through my skull. #
• 19:59 @warrenellis Two solipsists walk into a bar. I don't really know what happens next because they are figments of my imagination. #
• 23:14 @jephjacques Yay! I was wondering about that myself. #
• 23:15 My head no longer hurts. Food may help with these things. #
• 23:16 @Emmerdeur That's horrifying, albeit amusing. #
• 23:34 bit.ly/dq2LI How did I not hear about, or possibly even see, this in action? #

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Breaking news:

• 09:14 Huzzah for the walk of shame (or cab ride thereof, rather). #
• 20:42 I had to use nail polish remover on my phone. My PHONE. #

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Breaking news:

• 03:13 @BigBenWS Damnit, California, why do you always do the stupidest thing possible every second of every goddamn day? #
• 03:14 Hey everybody, check out fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/ and be amused. #
• 03:15 @damanique Already done, thanks. :D #

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I feel like death warmed over, or as I believe Tony said, "a giant sack of shit."

fuck

I also feel like a total cunt because I texted Tony to tell him I'm sick, not realizing he'd changed his number, and therefore inadvertently stood him up. He came all the way out here on the el and everything.

fuuuuuck

And I missed my psych appointment, too. Thankfully I don't think my meds need any fine-tuning, and I can get my prescriptions faxed to the doc's office, but it'll probably be like three weeks before I can get another appointment.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I woke up with a blazing fever and a hacking cough, so I can legitimately say that staying home was a wise course, at least. I'm still going to work because I really have no choice, and to the wedding because I don't want to leave Tony hanging (and because it sounds like basically the most awesome wedding ever... speakeasy-themed lesbian wedding? oh hell and damn yes), but I'm avoiding absolutely anything nonessential, I think.

This had better not be Captain Pigs or heads will roll. Though actually, Ben says it would hypothetically be better if I had it now, since if some mega-murderous wave sweeps back through later (à la the 1918 flu epidemic), I'll have immunity. That's not really any comfort when I feel like this, though.

So, I say I'm going to update more, but that leaves me the unenviable task of figuring out what the hell to write about. I can't really say anything about work for discretionary reasons, I don't get out as much as I'd like to, and I've long since grown out of the "ramble about every perceived slight" phase, so that narrows things down. I may be going back through old Twitter updates and elaborating further, even though it feels passé to write about things that happened a few months ago. It's never stopped me before, honestly.

I am starting to focus on my fiction writing again, and it feels pretty damn good. I've been sketching out ideas and plans for The Limbo Chronicles for months now, which is truly ridiculous for an ongoing microfiction series. It's time to post the few scenes I have and move on from there. I've been contemplating starting it up on Dreamwidth since that's where all the cool kids seem to be flocking to, but I suppose crossposting wouldn't be all that difficult. I can whore for validation all over the intertron!

Things that I have learned over the past few months, in mostly sequential order:
- Australian shepherds are a highly effective antidepressant.
- Assisted-living homes can be surprisingly good places for weddings to be held.
- If you want a good upper-body workout, pick up a flogger. Jesus.
- I can actually grow plants without inadvertently killing all of them.
- Younger siblings reaching adulthood is unquestionably weird.
- Chicago weather will never stop sucking before May, and I'd better get used to it already.
- Telling people often works better than asking them.
- Trying to do "Monkey Gone To Heaven" at karaoke when you have a sore throat, reasoning that it'll be easy because it's mostly spoken, will end in pain when you recall that screaming is also involved.

I should go to bed, since I'm meeting up with Tony tomorrow for lunch (his sister's wedding is Saturday, so he's in town, and I agreed to be his grandparent-placating date for the occasion), then going to the psych, then to work. All of that will be fun while fighting off a lingering chest cold on 5ish hours of sleep, but I am confident in my ability to simultaneously kick ass, take names, chew gum, and remain awake.

In the meantime, for those of you who didn't already read about them in Savage Love, go and check out Garfunkel and Oates, seriously. Do it.

Breaking news:

• 05:46 I preface too many sentences with "man". I just realized this. #
• 15:04 I fucking hate makeup. #
• 01:35 @reneengstrom Happy birthday! #
• 01:37 It is so hard to find photos of myself that don't induce my cringe reflex. #

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